Not every child learns the same way. We have come to accept this as truth when it comes to school or academics, we know there are visual learners, auditory learners, kinaesthetic learners, etc. Yet for some reason we have a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that it goes for everything in our lives, including how we discipline our children and expect them to learn what is correct or acceptable behavior. Discipline is not a one-size fits all, the methods that work with your first child may not work with your other children. Many times you can find yourself using a combination of two or more methods, depending on the situation.
There are 5 main styles of discipline. Positive discipline uses praise and encouragement rather than punishment. This keeps the focus on teaching problem-solving skills and helps the child develop solutions on their own. Gentle discipline relies on preventing problems from occurring, with the intention of redirecting the child away from bad behavior. Boundary-based discipline requires setting limits and clear rules upfront with predetermined consequences for misbehavior. Behavior modification would use both positive and negative consequences, as appropriate. Good behavior would be praised and rewarded, while bad behavior has negative consequences. Finally, emotion coaching focuses on teaching kids about their feelings and understanding how to express their feelings rather than acting on them. The child is taught that it is okay to have their feelings and what are appropriate ways to handle their emotions.
The one thing that IS consistent with ALL children though, they require a proper balance of discipline AND love. You can’t truly have one without the other and too much of either is harmful to your child. When your child feels loved, they will be more receptive of your rules and discipline; with the appropriate level of discipline, they will know you love and care about them. Sometimes the scales are tipped and you find yourself showing your children with love and shying away from the discipline because ultimately it is “easier”. This can make a child spoiled and in return, even if they don’t realize in the moment, they will not feel that you care about them. On the other extreme, too much discipline that isn’t balanced with love will be emotionally damaging to the child and ultimately drive them away. There is a misconception sometimes that you are making your child “tough” with your decision to hold back showering affection and love. It can also be difficult to discipline your child sometimes and definitely not fun, especially while they are going through the developmental stages and testing their boundaries. I promise, a proper balance and consistency is key and will all be worth it when they are older.
It’s never too late to start balancing your tactics; however, it will be more difficult if it was not done from the beginning of their lives. As long as you are consistent with your rules and there are consequences for breaking said rules, your child will recognize what is expected of them and what is acceptable behavior. For a consequence to be effective, they should be guiding and teaching and should be delivered in a loving way. It is best to get to a child’s level and explain to them exactly what they did that was unacceptable behavior and tell them what the consequence is for doing wrong. It can also be helpful, while they are learning, to tell them what they could have done instead that would have been acceptable behavior. Demonstrating appropriate behavior is especially important in the infant and toddler stages; you are setting the foundations of your child’s behavior for years to come.
A truly beautiful child-parent relationship will consist of a careful balance of reasonable strictness and unconditional love and acceptance. Regardless of the methods of discipline you adopt, consistency is the key to success and a healthy relationship.
For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
Proverbs 3:12
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